When was the last time you felt just completely overwhelmed? A week ago, yesterday, maybe even earlier today? My guess is, that it really wasn't too long ago. If your triggers are anything like mine, overwhelm can hit you like a ton of bricks at any time and in any situation.
Sometimes it happens when you've come home to a messy house, never-ending pile of laundry, and no motivation for making dinner. Leaving you to feel like you've let your family down. Sometimes it happens when your two children are surrounding you with their own set of emotions, crying, and non-stop whining. Leaving you to think that it's going to be like this for the rest of your life. Sometimes it happens when you finally find time to take in the day. Leaving you to feel the weight of it all and wonder if it will be the same tomorrow.
Yesterday was my day. I wanted to run away. Everything felt like it was crashing down all at once. I felt tired. I felt alone. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like everything was weighing heavy on my shoulders and there was no way I could push it off.
Motherhood has this ability to consume your entire being and then multiplies every ounce of you that is capable of feeling love at an exponential rate. It makes you want to sacrifice EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without question. It’s both exhilarating and beautiful. And it’s something else. Something that makes you feel guilty and sound SO ungrateful. After all, you’ve been blessed with the privilege of being able to birth tiny humans into the world. You shouldn’t complain. Some woman would do absolutely anything to be in your shoes. But the truth is, you can’t help it. At one point, you’re going to feel it all. The trapping. The exhaustion. The missing out. The dependence.
Motherhood demands the impossible out of you. You have to constantly give more of yourself. And then just when you think you're tapped out, you find a sliver of hope and give that up too. You begin to desperately crave the simple things and wonder what your life would look like if you never even had kids.
If I never had kids, I'd be able to sleep whenever I wanted. I have not had to set an alarm on my phone in years! My children are my alarm clock. Even from pregnancy, they have woken me up around 5 am sharp. Not a minute over, not a minute under. I can barely remember a time where I considered 9 am to be an early rising. Because now, my life is filled with a toddler climbing into my already squeezed-in-tight bed and a baby kicking me in the face.
If I never had kids, I'd be able to eat meals when I'm actually hungry. My stomach wouldn't have to settle for a 6 am coffee to hold me over until after our morning routine, or until dinner, or even just tiny snacks throughout the day. I would be able to sit down, enjoy a full meal, and do it at the appropriate times.
If I never had kids, I'd be able to watch what I want, when I want. I wouldn't have to spend my screen time watching animated movies or educational videos. I could binge watch You, Friends, Grey's Anatomy, and whatever the hell else I wanted. And I wouldn't even have to wait until everyone else was in bed. I could do it at ANY time! There would be no more sneaking in 30 minutes in the morning or losing sleep at night.
If I never had kids, I'd be able to carry a purse. It would be tiny - enough to hold my essentials: a wallet, keys, cell phone, and protection. There would be no tiny toys, snacks, boogie wipes, candy bribes, or other found "treasures". And I wouldn't have to settle for a small pocket wallet that fits into the back zipper of a diaper bag. Because I would have MY OWN bag.
If I never had kids, I'd be able to worry less about time. Because it wouldn't matter. Everything would be on MY schedule. When I slept, when I ate, how many hours I spent reading, or how long it took me to write. I'd be able to slow down and not worry so much about what time it is. I'd be able to shop without time restrictions. There would be no mommy-hip-bounce as I try to lull a ticking time bomb child to examine the grocery list or price tags. I'd be able to lounge around on Sunday mornings and stay up for Friday movie nights with my husband without worrying whether I heard the baby cry or calculating the hours of sleep I was losing.
If I never had kids, I'd be able to take more vacations. I would take trips that don;t require lugging around extra suit cases or potty breaks every two hours. I'd be able to get a room with one bed and order room service. I would ride all the rides without having to worry about whose watching the kids or the bags or waiving on the sideline as everyone went on without me.
If I never had kids, I'd be able to have a bigger selection of dining out. I could eat at places known more for their food than the kid-friendly atmosphere. I wouldn't have to feel ashamed of the pile of missed-mouth crumbs of food piled on the floor. There would be slow service, dim lighting, selective menu, and a low noise level.
If I never had kids all of this would be true. But the truth is, no matter what daydreams may fill my head, nothing compares to the chaotic day-to-day life with my babies. And no matter how much I long for a tiny bit of quiet time or five more minutes of sleep, it could never beat waking up to their adorable faces, hearing those infectious laughs, and just soaking in every bit of their craziness. Because I know without a doubt that none of them would make me nearly as happy as I am being a mom.
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