I'll let you in on a little secret about marriage...the perfect one does not exist. Ours sure isn't. I am not the perfect wife, he is not the perfect husband, and we aren't all lovey dovey 24/7. Sometimes we argue and are not on the same page. But guess what? That's life. Marriage requires work, especially when you're comfortable. It's easy to forget how to love each other and put other things before each other. But damn is the work all worth it, because when you marry the right person, it is SO incredible.
You should ALWAYS be putting work into your marriage. Because being married means two people transforming themselves from "me" to "we". It means making the steps to put your spouse before yourself, doing things that they like because it makes them happy, acknowledging them, and making sure you never lose the puppy love you felt at the very beginning.
Accountability
Marriage means being able to admit to your mistakes or when you are in the wrong. You have to be willing to accept responsibility for your behaviors, attitudes and values. And never keep score for the times that you're right. Instead make the tough times learning opportunities. In it learning how to forgive, have compassion, and recognize that EVERYONE makes mistakes. Acknowledge when you have acted out of emotion and stop pointing the finger. You have to have humility when they're wrong instead of choosing to go for the kill. Use words and logic to communicate. Then move on! And never try to change them - their traits are their traits. After all, you married them for who they are not who you want them to be.
Support
Find a way to support each other's choices, to understand them, offer encouragement, listen without judgement, and value their opinions. As time persists, so will your interests, likes, and passions. Even if both of your dreams don't align, take the time to listen and support.
Communication: Honesty and Trust
You should be able to communicate, openly and truthfully. Learn how to talk to your spouse effectively. Learn their communication style and how they approach situations in manner each is calling for. So that you are able to do it at the right time and place. But also learn how to take a look at yourself. That means also learning your own communication style. Be present. Give them your full attention, stop multi-tasking while they talk, and make them feel valued. Be proactive. Tell them what you need to feel supported and loved. They won't know unless you say it! Have some cooperation: ask without expecting, accept the changes, make decisions together, we willing to compromise, and always come to win-win resolutions. And the biggest of them all! Trust is being able to trust each other's word and always giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Always Hold onto Respect
NEVER leave the house in anger, talk to each other above a conversational tone, or say anything in front of other people that could embarrass your spouse. ALWAYS tell them that you love them (even when you're frustrated) and kiss each other goodbye. Plus, most of the time the frustration that you have is not necessarily because of them, but rather by all of the changes around you. Remember, neither is perfect. You'll argue. You'll fuss. You'll make up. But in it all, keep perspective to always find respect and love for each other. And if you're considering whether an apology is due, it is. If you are thinking if it's worth the time, it is. And that's just that. The end.
Never Put Yourself in the Shadows
Putting yourself first is important too! A lot of establishing a relationship is trying to make your spouse happy. Often times that means adjusting yourself and your behaviors to do what you think will make them happy. But you need to understand that although being a couple is important, being an individual matters just as much. It is completely possible to take care of yourself and your marriage at the same time.
More Intimacy
ALWAYS be intimate - even when you might not feel like it. Because it is never a waste of time. And that doesn't always mean the whole nine yards! Compliment each other. Take notice at all the things they try to do to make your family feel loved and supported. And take the time to cuddle. It is the easiest way to feel connected without too much effort.
Make Sacrifices
If you are lucky enough to marry the right person, you will definitely learn the meaning of "iron sharpens iron". Negotiation skills will heighten significantly. Marriage is not about 50/50 effort. It is about every person 100% and sharing roles to love your lives as teammates.
Go on Dates
And never stop going on dates! Drop the excuses of "too busy", "no babysitter", "no time", etc. It could be a fancy dinner out or a casual night in, but the point is that YOU HAVE TO DATE. At least once a month. It's a critical part of the marriage. It's a great time to communicate, connect, and just simply enjoy each other, just you two.
Sure, my husband and I don't have the perfect marriage. But we have the best one! Why? Because we BOTH make the effort. We are best friends, we are soulmates, and he is truly the most remarkable man that I've ever met. Even through all of the hardships, I could NEVER imagine going through it with anyone else. And I am so damn thankful to have found my partner in life and for the love he gives my family each and every day.
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