This morning on Instagram, I had someone ask "what's the difference you saw since having two kids, instead of just one?" and it got me thinking.
Before deciding to have a second child, I took all the advice that I could get - even the ones I didn't truly ask for. I wondered if it was going to be harder or easier than the first shift from ground zero was. Because in my head, it seemed to be simultaneously thrilling and terrifying, a balance extremely magnified by the mere idea of adding another to our family.
However, now that I am almost eight month into it, I get the two-kid mama game. I understand that meme of the brain having too many tabs open because on any given day, mothering two kids knocks me straight onto my ass and then send me soaring up to the sky. But honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way in the slightest because I not only love my two children, but it has also taught me so much.
Tired is an understatement, it's more like complete exhaustion.
My son was the first person who taught me the true meaning of tired. He made me sometimes long for those days where I could lazily sleep in every Sunday and get a good night's sleep whenever the hell I wanted to. And my daughter, well she taught me to appreciate every snooze window open. Because the physically most difficult part of this whole early stage of two kid thing is, sheer exhaustion and finding collective moments of naps that will equal one whole night of rest.
Quickly I became THAT mom. You know the one. The one that continually details the amount of times she's gotten up last night (once with the toddler that had a bad dream, twice with the baby that needed to breastfeed, and once again with both for some mommy cuddling time). All while keeping an eye on an upcoming nap opportunity. And I've fully come to know what the hell "mommy brain"is. Leaving milk in the pantry as I meant to put it in the fridge like a proper human being stores it. Or turning the light off when I really meant to turn the water from the facet off. And always forgetting what I came into the room to grab just to remember an hour later when I no longer need it. I've become a bleary-eyed woman that is running completely on coffee, sugar, and creamer. Who on the luckiest of days finds the sexiest words that my husband can say are "I got it", as my toddler screams from his room.
But the good news is that babies grow up. And all children sleep eventually. Which makes all of these long days and nights much more tolerable, especially in exchange for another shot at sweet baby cuddles.
Muti-tasking is a mommy job skill that should be highly appraised.
As I currently write this post, the dreaded Baby Shark song blares in the background, a baby is sound asleep on my chest, a little hand is waving Spiderman fruit snacks in my face to open, my husband is sharing tidbits from his day so far at work on the phone, and I'm wondering what the heck I should make for dinner. And then when I do decide, I know that it will most likely mean, talk to my husband since he just got home, finding an activity for my toddler to occupy the time, and breastfeeding my baby as I prepare it.
It's A LOT to be a mother. And having a second does not take any of that job down. If anything it magnifies it, adding to the daily to-do list of things that I already half-assed my way through with one child. There are more dishes to clean, more laundry to fold, more doctor's appointments to keep up with, more toys to pick up, and that's just the beginning. Which means that literally every moment of my days are accounted for.
I try to find stolen moments. Trying to write my blog posts in-between the moments of play-time and feedings. Listening to podcasts as reading three books a week has diminished to one (if I'm lucky). Breezing through workouts in play times and naps. And some days I find it hard to even get anywhere close to any of it. Which is totally fine. Because I've learned to give myself a TON of grace for the days that are out of my control and feel like I just cannot keep up.
Knowing better what I do and do not care about.
With one kid, I felt like myself. The mom version of course, but nonetheless still myself. I was able to hold onto my creative outlets, enjoy more date nights with my husband, workout regularly, mark off more items on my to-do list, and always have clean clothes to wear. You know?
Fast-forward to now, and you'll find that I just don't have even half the energy for all of the those same things to occur within one week's time. Because my priorities and standards have changed - completely. I used to be one of those judgemental people whole scowled at that mom at Target with stained clothes and messy bun who completely ignores her child throwing a tantrum laying in the aisle right beside her feet. But now I get it. I see it. I bond with that mom who no longer gives a fuck and I salute her!
Because parenting children, no matter how many you have, is all about focusing on the things you truly care about and saying fuck it to things you don't. And that's exactly how I live my life now. I focus more on eating one good meal a day, exercising in 15-mintute intervals, spending time just in the presence of my husband after the kids have fallen asleep, and staying connected to the people who matter the most. And less on party favors, spotless rooms, perfectly folded clothes, or a little spit up on my shirt. Because I could care less about what people think about me and much more about what is best for my sanity, my marriage, my children, and my family as a whole.
Relationships take more of a back burner.
I find myself consistently trying to pencil in times to catch up with old friends that I need and want to reconnect with. And I can physically see how much my desire to nurture relationships in my life has not disappeared. But it has become an acute issue of prioritization. Because I am constantly faced with a trade-off between choosing quality time with someone over giving up something else vital in my mommy life.
So I have to be strategic and intentional with the relationships that I have, both in friendships and my marriage. An hour on the phone means that I gave up my workout for today. Going to a play-date with the babies means putting an child care on my husband on his only day off. Which doesn't include the pure unpredictability of mothering - the fevers an hour before your set to be somewhere, your toddler pooping in their pants just before you walk out the door, or your baby nicking their head perfectly on the only corner in the house. Leaving you to just skip out on your coffee-catch-up-date to just stay home to make peace with the chaos. However, the people who want to be in your life, whether they are parents or not, will adjust to it all.
Self-care becomes twice as difficult, but twice as rewarding.
Downtime is very hard to come by when you have two kids, but it is also probably the most crucial part to being a mom. I wake up before my whole house does at least a few times throughout the week to have some "me" time before our day starts.And almost immediately as I wake, I think of all the things that I "should" do as my kids still are asleep - clean the kitchen counters, start the dishes from dinner the night before, take out the trash, and start some breakfast. Because it's more challenging now-a-days to quickly make the choices that nourish my body, mind, and spirit. Like taking a shower alone, slowly sipping a hot cup of coffee, writing my thoughts on paper about a post, or reading a few pages of the book on my nightstand.
But I know what the cost of skipping these few simple things are. Because when I don't make time for myself, my family pays the price. I am very short-tempered, more irritable, less inclined to the patience they need, and honestly, down-right judgemental. Motherhood is all about tending to the relentless neediness of our families and without some "me" time, I am WAY more likely to sink than swim in my parenting and wife life.
Mothering the second time is the same...but it isn't.
You've done this before, you're good! Except that you haven't. My second child is a whole other child. With a personality all her own. What once worked for my son, does not translate over to my daughter. Not only that, but I've forgotten a lot of things. Seriously. Some things that I spent so many hours obsessing over with my first child, I still find googling about at 2 am. And everything that you feel or go through is different.
I don't mean that as a bad thing at all. This time I feel a little more confident because with my son everything was brand new. I had the time and space to give him all of my attention, and now I am being pulled in two different directions. With my daughter, I cannot watch her every move, jump to soothe her in a flash when she cries, or take a picture when there is the tiniest hint of smile. In fact, sometimes I have to leave her to play or whine, just to have a little alone time with my son. And I don't text my mom (a nurse) for every time she sneezes, coughs or spits up. It doesn't mean that I love her any less, I just love her differently. Because everything that I experience with her different.
With my son I was so excited to be a first time mom, but this time all I want to do is slow down time. She is my last. Every first that she takes will be my last. The last crawl, last pacifier to take away, last of baby food to feed, last of breastfeeding, last rock to sleep, last cry to hush, and so much more. And last, well they're kind of a special thing just like the firsts are. My heart didn't split, it just doubled in size.
It's all a phase, so take it all in.
The good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in-between will all end at some point. Even on the most challenging days that a full of toddler tantrums, multiple outfit changes due to poop stains, and a constant mess that no longer how much time I spend cleaning up never seems to end, I try to remind myself of this. With my son, everything seemed to take forever, but with my daughter it seems to be going twice as fast - for better or worse. Two kids means having twice as many parts to look after, but it also means having twice as many magical opportunities to watch your two little creations that you love, grow up and learn.
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