I've had a really hard time lately. Juggling my art, kids, being a wife, a maid, a chef,and family member. Tears falling into my coffee cup hard. Feeling like I was drowning in deep waters. The same water that I envisioned I though that I'd naturally wade through, but instead started to suffocate me. And it pains me to feel this way. To even write these words.
My daughter wouldn't stop crying. My son wouldn't listen. I couldn't find a minute of solitude to just take a deep breath. And I looked in the mirror yesterday disgusted by the person that was looking back at me. Still wearing the same clothes from the day before. Covered in dried up whatever-that-food-is crumbs and paint. Bags hanging well below my eyes. I just didn't even recognize myself.
I went for my phone to text my husband as a cry for help, but with him at work, I knew that there was nothing that he could do. But I sent the message anyways, because at least when he walked in, he wouldn't be ambushed by the explosion of toys across the floor, laundry piled on the bed, and dishes in the sink. He'd just know why.
I always felt that I was born to be a mom. To two special little humans. And yet, yesterday I guessed my abilities...hard. The guilt of it tearing me apart. Because I know that there is so much gratitude in my healthy babies and the life that we live. But, yesterday that gratitude was a struggle. And tears filled my coffee cup.
But, today is a new day. I get to try again. I get to be all the things that I wasn't yesterday. I get to hope and pray. And I get to hold that coffee cup while I look at my life with so much joy to have the most amazing husband and children, even if it's followed by another tough day.