I spent a lot of both of my pregnancies in fear. With Christopher, I was only 19 years old and had no idea what to expect, and with AnnaLynne I had complications from the very beginning. I feared losing them, not being enough for them, and that my relationship would change way too much like so many others I've witnessed. I was incredibly irrational over things that weren't even very likely to occur. I spent hours digging out information from research, tried to take in everyone's stories or advice, and watching all of the cases that came in and out of the hospital wondering if that would be my kids. Here are some fears that I experienced and how I resolved them.
Stillbirth and Miscarriage
I think that the scariest thing about pregnancy is all of the uncertainty. You read and hear all of the horror stories, starting to see pregnancy as something to endure rather than enjoy.
Though you can't actually for sure prevent these things from happening, you can try to take some control of your anxiety entangled in them. I dispelled a lot of this fear by just being more in tune with my body. At times, maybe even to an unhealthy degree, but it helped me get to know what was the natural rhythm of my body during pregnancy. I began to become more aware of the changes in my babies' movements, the changes in my body, and what would be my new normal in both. Knowing when to expect them to be active and how to encourage them to wiggle a little when I realized they hadn't moved much in the last hour. It helped me let go of the fear of the unknown and be much more relaxed.
Birth Defects
Having a mom who works in pediatric care and then working in the field myself, I saw and heard about SO many kids being born with birth defects. Ranging from club foot to congenital heart defects to cleft palates. And although I knew that only 3% of babies a year were born with them, I still couldn't help but wonder if my kids would be part of the statistic. Many of which I knew were correctable and lived happy, healthy lives as any other child. Yet I still watched anxiously during every anatomy scan.
I resolved this fear by realizing how much love I had for my children in whatever form that they showed up in. I reminded myself that we were so lucky to have incredible life insurance, have amazing technology to be prepared for it all, and have a team that I knew would have the best interests of our children in their hands that would all come together to properly take care of our children after birth and beyond. And I just had to put my trust in it all.
Having a C-Section
I don't know exactly where my fear sprung up for this fear. All I know is that I had this overwhelming feeling of freaking out at the mere idea of having this major surgery. Maybe it's something about the whole being cut open thing. Or maybe being put under anesthesia. But it made me obsess. Over having a birth plan, stretching, eating the proper foods, and more to where I would really believe that somehow my body would just reward me with due diligence.
Failing as a Parent
This is a big one. And something that I still struggle with every. single. day. All my pregnancy I played the what ifs. What if they grow up to hate me? What if I helicopter-parent them to the point of running away? What if...I fail them? Not because I didn't feel good enough, I always thought I would be good at the whole mom thing. But because I knew that parenting is hard and as a perfectionist, it scared me that there was no right way or clear-cut guidelines on how to get the job done.
But you know what? I've learned that parenting gives you this unbelievable strength. A strength that pushes you to do and be all that you are. To power through the long days and nights of rocking, feeding, changing, playing, and bathing. To push to be your absolute best, because someone you care about is watching your every move. It made me realize that I don't need to have all the answers, but actually not having the answers is the very thing that transforms you into the mom you are.