Having a Daddy's Girl

I wasn't expecting that way that having a girl would wreck me. I mean I had already had a son, how different could it really be? But it has been from the very beginning. Especially in the moments that my husband picks her up, holds her close, and smiles like I've never seen him smile before. It wrecks me. Even now I'm sitting here with tears filling up my eyes as I type it.

And it's not really about my daughter. It's not her fault at all. I just wasn't expecting they that her coming into the world would rip open the loss that I had when I watched my father walk away from my family.

Even at almost one years old, the way that she looks at her dad, my husband, brings me back to the days that I've tried to shut out for way too long. Making me feel so vulnerable in these moments. I guess, I'm not that strong of a woman or mom as I wanted to be of a little girl. Telling myself that I want to be so happy, to teach her the worth of a woman. But sometimes, I feel like I'm crumbling inside sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I am also so thankful that she has an amazing dad who holds her so close, but sometimes I get so sad because I long for that so much. I try to talk to people about it. But I feel like life is so good that the temptation to allow in the storm of Jordan is not an option most times. It's what they've done since my father left. I guess that I still just don't know how to express how you can have it so good when the good you have isn't the good you long for.

I mean, most of them don't know what it's like to have your life go suddenly haywire as your father suddenly walks out of your life just as you walk into your teenage years, be ignored in the high school that he works out that you also attend. and question you life because of it. Most of them don't know what it's like to wonder if you were the reason why he left, didn't work to have a relationship, or just love you.

Which I guess is why my daughter coming into thus world wrecked me so hard. But I want her to also know that it's okay that I'm wrecked. Because of her, I also got to see a whole new world of having a father that loves her with his whole being. Even if I don't know what it really means to be a daddy's girl the way I know shes going to. But if she ever sees me crying, I hope she knows that I am so happy that she gets to know what a gift it is to a be a daddy's girl. Even if I am a little wrecked because of it.