When will it get better? It's the question we've all asked at some point or another - whether it be a first-time mom blown away with what comes with this new role in her life or a seasoned mom facing different challenges that come with different children. Especially stuck in the times that we are right now. And then we have to hear other moms who seem to be blessed with "easy" babies. Ones who don't give nearly as much trouble as ours do. Meanwhile, we're sleep-deprived and down-right exhausted.
I've always wanted two kids - from the time that I could remember. But now that I've fallen into the role, I sometimes get overwhelmed with the logistics of caring for two human beings. And up until recently, I also fell into that sleep-deprived, low functioning mom running on less than 6 hours of sleep every day. Becoming short with my family, complaining more than actually communicating, and sometimes being just miserable. And I found myself becoming more emotional over the fact that I wasn't feeling as overjoyed and blessed as I should to have a happy and healthy family while also being a SAHM. But I also knew something had to change so that I could be a happy mom even in unhappy times.
Grieve Your Expectations
Maybe you were hoping for a girl over a boy. Or maybe planned on only having two kids over three. Or maybe even having kids wasn't in the plan at all - at least not yet.
If you've read my story, then you know that it was no surprise that I was a bit shook up myself learning that I was pregnant with my first child at 19 years old, only being back together with my husband (then boyfriend) for a month. It wasn't exactly in my "plans". I was working at Keva Juice while going to school full-time, and he was just laid off of work. Both of us living with his mom and grandma. So we had a lot of worry that went into it - from arrangements of living, finances, logistics, child care, schooling, and work.
Your pregnancies, especially the first, are supposed to be times where you're absolutely on cloud nine and love your predicament. But the key to this is giving yourself the time to grieve the harbored expectations not met. Addressing and accepting what isn't or just couldn't be, not brushing it under the rug. And knowing that you are in no way a horrible mom for hoping for anything else.
Realize that Things DO Get Better
When I first became a mom to two, I used to get so frustrated when someone would tell me that things would get better. Thinking, "Really? When?". Because when you come to dread the tantrum filled evenings and wonder whether or not you are even capable of this whole parenting thing, "it'll get better" seems so far off from the spot your in.
Maybe it'll come when they sleep through the night (or longer periods of it). Maybe it'll come when they can put themselves to sleep entirely. Maybe it'll come when we have a better set routine. Maybe it'll come when they communicate their wants and needs a little bit better. Maybe it'll come when they are more independent and self-sufficient. Maybe it'll come when I no longer have to worry about pumping, nursing, or bottle-feeding. Maybe it'll come when my hormones are finally more balanced.
Or maybe, most importantly, it'll come when I've adjusted better to my new role. Because motherhood is hard. No one is prepared for this job. Regardless of how many books they've read, classes they've taken, or babysitting they've done before. And being thrown into it doesn't make it any better. So yes, it's absolutely difficult to see how things could get any better when every day and every week, seems to just stretch on forever. But at some point, those days and weeks begin to blend into months. Finally coming into the day where your baby has slept longer, you finally figured out how to collapse that damn double stroller, and tackle two kids out in public - all on your own. Making you not only more confident in your mothering abilities, but it all becoming second nature as well. Then comes the day where you'll be able to find the time to really enjoy motherhood and all that comes with it.
Change Your Scenery
In motherhood, it's so important to freshen your environment in order to recharge yourself.
Have someone watch the baby. I know that this one is hard, believe me. I say 'no' a lot to people watching my kids, especially right now. But sometimes it really does help. Using the time to rest, nap, shower ALONE, shop, exercise, or do whatever you want or need to do.
Take the baby for a quick stroll. If you aren't on a total stay home lock down, get some fresh air and sun. Trust me, even just a walk down the street and back will help change your mood drastically.
Stay in and do an activity. Need a break and not wanting to take the baby even out the front door with all this craziness? Stay indoors. But build a hobby. Paint, draw, read, or write. Throw all your energy into something else.
Talk to other mamas. Hop online, text or call your mama tribe. And be open to discussing the joys and challenges of motherhood with your fellow mamas. Bet is, they're in the same boat or have been. And it's so nice feeling like you're not crazy for feeling the way that you do.
Drop the Guilt
Motherhood is always tangled up with comparing. Comparing ourselves to the moms that have endless patience. To the moms that have figured out the perfect balance between motherhood and self-care. To the moms who seem so, so happy to just be a mom. It's an unfair comparison. Because we ALL go through rough times in motherhood. Even the Instagram and Pinterest worthy ones. And if you're reading this, I am so proud of you. Because you are being as honest as can be about your feelings while saying you're not always happy.
Life with children is rough and drastic from taking care of just yourself. So try not to get yourself down about feeling sad. If you need extra help, read dealing with mom guilt.
Choose to See the Positive
Let's be honest, we're the most unhappy when we continually pine for the things that we can't have. But when we choose to see the positive in our situations, it makes motherhood so much better. Because childhood goes by way too fast, the challenges along with the joys. Changing your mindset will let you enjoy the ins and outs of moments with your baby. Choosing to see the tasks we do for them as fun rather than chores. Choosing to see visitors as more people to give them laughs, comfort, and love. And so much more.
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