Dear Christopher,
I've been having kind of a hard time lately. I get frustrated WAY too easily, and don't always respond to you in the ways that I know as a mother I should and what you need. And I know that you're only three. I know that you're trying your absolute best most days. And I know that most of the time, you're just as frustrated as I am. But, you're growing and changing so fast. So much that sometimes, I'm not sure whether to enact that intentional parenting or call upon more discipline. But I'm doing my absolute best to teach you along the way.
Which means that some days, I feel like I've got this whole mothering thing down to a science, while other days, I'm left at the end of the day to feel like I've let you down miserably. But I'm truly sorry for those days. For all of the yelling. For all of the times that I didn't give you the attention you so clearly craved. And for all of the times that I've lost control of my temper and taken it out on you.
Because I know that it's not at all fair to ask of things that you're not mentally or physically capable of just yet. I guess I'm just still learning how to be a mom to a toddler and figuring it all out along the way just as you are. I'm still getting to know exactly who you are, my crazy kid. And I promise that all I want is the best for you. Trying to give you everything you need. But these little kid years are filled with so many ups and downs. Some days you're all sweet bear hugs, kisses, cuddles, and "I love you mom"s, others have nothing but tantrums, stomping, and tears.
But more than anything, I hope that you know that I love you just as much on the hard days as I do on the easy. Because I love you and your sister more than anything. Even on the worst days. I can always look to you two, with your big brown eyes to see beyond all of those crazy emotions and messy tantrums to see you. To see who you are right now and who you will one day become. And let me tell you my boy, there is nothing like those tight hugs, juicy kisses, silly giggles, and sweet sweet cuddles. Because you mean the world to me. You are my son, my little man, and my little imagination-filled weirdo.
And at the end of the day, when you've finally gone to bed and my mind does too, all that is left are you two. Thinking about our days together. Hoping and praying that I did enough that day to love, teach, and help you. Thinking about ways that I can do better the next day. And always worrying about you - whether you ate enough, explored enough, had a good enough day, happy enough, or even loved enough.
So my big cool (because you don't like me to call you cute right now) boy, I'm having kind of a hard time right now and I know that you are too. But I promise that we'll get through this all together my love. Because I'm trying my hardest, and I know that you are too.
And I pray that all my love carries you through it all.
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