Apr 1, 2020

Open Letter to My Husband (Part 2)

Dear Marc,

Being called your wife is one of the most beautiful things in life, but I often don’t feel like I am very deserving of the title. I think for the most part because it wasn’t until we got officially married taht I realized how selfish I could be, how unloving I tend to be, and how my thoughts aren’t always with you in the best interest. And most importantly, how much I would wish to be the wife you needed.

A wife is supposed to be patient.

I tend to talk over you. WAY too much. Often skipping over you before you‘ve even gotten the chance to respond. Or pushing you through a conversation to get where I want it to be or even completely over with. Mostly because I can’t stand the silence of you thinking found in the pauses as I wait for you to speak. And maybe even because I feel like I get irrationally upset when things just don’t go my way.

A wife is supposed to be trusted.

Sometimes I think that your trust in me fails in my inability to encourage you. Because I tend to belittle you. With my words, with my actions, with my thoughts, and with my expectations. And I am truly sorry for that. I shouldn’t be taking you down for all of the little things, I should be uplifting you. But instead, I take my days out on you. Harping on you, choosing to focus on what you are doing wrong even if it’s not a big deal.

A wife is supposed to love unconditionally.

I tend to love you in the times most convenient for me. Pushing you away Because I’m just too tired or have received enough in return. But marriage isn’t a barter system. And here I am being the most selfish lover when things are most convenient for me.

A wife is supposed to be kind.

Oh how I wish that I can take back some of my words. The ones that have caused some of our arguments when there didn’t even need to be one. I’m supposed to be here for you, not against you. Working together through our problems through conversation. And yet my words, actions, and thoughts are sometimes aimed to hurt you. And I am so sorry for that.

A wife is supposed to be trusting.

I think WAY too highly of myself. Which makes me always believe that I’m right and you wrong. In turn, making me less trusting of you because I always trust my truth - even if I don’t have the best track record. Because I am always too quick to point out your wrongs.

I understand that I am not the wife that you always need. Or loving when you want me to be. Or even kind. I am no where near perfect so I cannot ever love you perfectly.

And I long for that. To be all that you need me to be. But I’m scared that I will never be enough or do enough. And yet you always forgive me, loving all my imperfections. So thank you for always sticking by my side, not giving up, being so patient, and being my rock.

I know that you are not perfect and will fail me as well, but you are amazing. An amazing man, worker, father, and friend. And I am so completely blessed to call you my husband.

I know that I don’t have to be enough. I never will be. And I’m learning that that’s okay (even though i fight it the majority of the days). But I have my person. The one that will always be patient, will always be loving, will always be selfless, and will always be kind. I could never replace that.

You see, it’s an amazing thing, marriage. But it’s awful messy at the same time. It’s not perfect, fun, or all smiles all day every day. But there is always immense joy to be found within it.

I may not feel like I deserved to be called your wife, but that’s the gift I’ve been given. To pursue you, love you, and cherish you. Even when I fail, I know that our love will withstand and that I married the perfect person for me.