Let me start by a little in sight into my life right now: My husband started a career change, my son is really showing out for the last few months of his ”terrible twos”, my daughter has been super clingy, both kids have been sick for almost a month now, and soon we are going to have to pack up our house and make a new adventure. To say that I'm exhausted would be an understatement. And in the scramble of making sure that I'm not overlooking anything and mounting up to all the people all the time I could feel my mind, body, and soul screaming for the attention that it needs. The care that it truly needs.
But I've lived twenty two years now, not knowing what that meant. Sure, I’ve always tried to take good care of myself from the outside, but I think that I’ve buried so much that’s going on beneath that, that it’s all starting to topple over. And for a while now I’ve told myself that I’m okay, placing “I'll just deal with it later” labels on it all. And in doing so, I never figured out the whole taking care of myself thing as I walked the path of seeking perfection and always looking to the future.
So in these last few weeks, I decided to make a change. I decided to take my amazing human ability to adapt, heal and grow by acknowledging the changes, challenges, and hardships in my life that is rooted down deep. In order to remind me that second chances are all up to me. That I am made up of so much love, compassion, and healing that can over come all the rest. So with this new awareness I am learning to take care of me by living my life differently. To making sure that my tank is full in the right way so that I can take on whatever life (and motherhood) throws my way. Here’s how...
Learning when to stop giving something my attention.
Being kind of a perfectionist, I always thought that when I start something, I have to finish it. Whether it's a book, movie, drawing, or even a relationship (to be honest). And if I don't, then I feel this tremendous amount of guilt for just stopping. So I often find myself feeling stuck in something that just drains me, physically and emotionally. But now I've realized that my time and attention have become VERY valuable resources especially with having children. And I need to be better at choosing where to put my energy. Things that don't deserve my energy are things that don't provide learning, aren't useful, take a mental or emotional toll on me, or that I no longer enjoy.
Learning how to turn worry into wonder and shame into wisdom.
When I finally get to sit down and ask myself some questions (usually they come from my very curious toddler), I begin to become bombarded with questions that are stifling and just down-right non-empowering. Which, I'll admit, I've come to see the world through. And now I want to find a way to transform those questions and thoughts into something that will expand my world rather than hinder it. Turning my worry into wonder. Such as asking how can I be better over am I good enough, failure is learning over what if I fail, progress over I'm so behind, it's safe to feel my feelings over I shouldn't feel this way, approaching life as an adventure over life being a battle, and what do I need over this is way too much.
And then doing the same with the shame that I feel when I do make mistakes. That often turn personal, feeling like I've let someone down or that there is something wrong with me. I've felt these shame spirals way too many times to count. But if I let myself feel some self-compassion then I can learn how to forgive myself to take these mistakes as a sign that I am still learning. In turn, gaining some wisdom.
Learning how to improve my day-to-day life.
As a SAHM, most days feel like they just drag on, each blending into the other and sometimes I feel like I'm drifting along with it. But I'm learning to break wind of the days by taking the time to notice three simple things to improve my days: Things that energize me, things that I am grateful for, and things that are not working.
Energy is everything when becoming a mother. I have to learn how to prioritize where I choose to focus my attention towards so that I am my best, self, wife, and mother. Which means taking notice of the things that energize and engage me. Things that bring me the most joy and help me accomplish the most meaningful work in life.
And I think that sometimes I can be pretty ungrateful. For the things that I have and how they are all important and meaningful.
Lastly, taking both of these things and smashing them together to push out the things that aren't working and finding out why. Illuminating change. Since I can remember I've felt terrified to try new things in fear of failure. But if I work towards figuring out what doesn't work and why, then I can discover what does.
Learning how to reset my habits.
Sometimes I feel really set in my ways, even in the bad ones. And I think that it's because it's where I feel the most comfortable for some reason. I want to pinpoint that reason in every habit to be able t ask myself what benefit it provides, and if it doesn't provide any or not a good enough one, then I want to make a process to make it something that not only gives more value to my life, but also is enjoyable.
I think that I want to start by clarifying the habit that I want to change. Asking myself it is something that serves me, or even something that I have outgrown and yet still find myself doing. Then identify what benefit it provides. Asking myself if there is something that it gives me and how it makes me feel in return. And then finding what I can replace it with. Asking myself if there is something else that I can do instead to give me more value and make me feel whatever I am seeking for. Finally, make a plan to take small steps that help me work toward this goal that I can realistically commit to.
Here's two habits that I want to start to today changing: grabbing my phone as soon as I wake up and being so critical of myself. Sometimes I feel like in being a SAHM, social media is my connection too the outside world. A place to escape to that doesn't include my house and kids (sounds kind of wrong - but true). I can replace it with more journaling to get more in touch with my feelings and maybe going out more with friends. So in taking the first minor step, I will start leaving my phone in the living room at night and placing a book and journal on my nightstand instead. Now for the next one. Being self-conscious has always been a major thing for me, and I think that it's only magnified since becoming a mom. If any benefit can be found in it, I think that it gives me a little control. If I can pinpoint my own mistakes and flaws then the blow by others will feel a lot less extreme in comparison. I can try to replace it with more humor in it and detaching from the negative through the play of it. So I want to take the steps by seeing my flaws in a positive light. Seeing my failure as a mom as the reality of no one is perfect, seeing my stretch marks as physical representation of how much my body endured during pregnancy, or seeing never being good enough as room for improvement.
Learning what I CAN control.
Being a perfectionist, I struggle. I struggle with letting go of the control that I feel innate to doing. But the thing is that while I think that obsessing over these things makes me better, it's actually slowly sucking the joy out of my life. It's self-sabotage if you really think about it. It's constantly telling yourself that you aren't good enough or need to try harder, wrangle in the reigns a little more to get there. And that's not living. But trying to turn my focus onto the things that I can control and my response to the things I can't is taking the step to living my life the right way.
Things that I can control: My own actions, my reactions, my boundaries, my expectations, how I choose to invest my time, how I treat myself, how I treat others, and how I interpret what happens in my life.
Learning what I need from my feelings.
I've always been a very emotional person. Growing up, I felt SO much when things happened in my life and I didn't know what to do with those feelings that came with it. But now I think it's time to practice listening to the important needs that want to be met rather than feeling some hard feels lately. And navigate them the right way - learning to acknowledge my feelings, embrace them, and channel them into something more.
Taking the feeling of being burnt out as the need to be real about my limitations. Being honest with what my bandwidth and what really driving me to feel physically and emotionally exhausted, pressured, and have a heavy workload. Taking the feeling of vulnerability as a need to share what I'm going through with someone rather than bottling it up. Letting myself see that it is perfectly fine to be seen by someone other than myself. Taking the feeling of wanting to escape as the need to look around me and realize how safe I actually am. I always tend to run when things get a little much - escaping to a different room when I fight with m husband, escaping the shower when my kids just won't listen, and escaping to my books when I just want to get away from the whole world. But I need to take a step back and realize the life I'm in and how beautifully safe it is. There is no need to escape. No need to run.
Learning to stop taking everything personally.
I think that a lot of the reason that I feel so drained all the time is that I am putting energy into things that just aren't worth it. Just like taking everything personally, interpreting it all as personal attack leading me to feel like they pushed my buttons. I rely on other people to tell me who I am over what I feel and know to be true about myself. So I came up with some questions to help me reclaim my power and filter feedback, criticism, ad advice from other in a more positive way: How much of this is useful or truly about me, how mush of this is about the other person, and what steps can I take to recenter myself or speak my own truth. And in turn, I hope that it will help me learn to internalize and embody that nothing anyone says is about me, leading to more freedom and power.
Learning how to transform into the person I want to be.
A big part of transforming myself is keeping in constant mind the pyramid of change: awareness, responsibility, forgiveness, peace, and joy. Awareness is being able to recognize that something isn't working. That there genuinely needs to be a change. Responsibility is realizing that I am the author of my own book. While I can't change the ink written in the previous pages, that doesn't mean that I cannot commit to heal and grow for the pages still to go. Forgiveness is releasing all of that shame and blame that I always feel. Being aware that holding onto it impacts me more than anyone else. Taking the responsibility to let go of what ifs and choose acceptance instead. Reopening my heart to joy than pain. Peace is seeing all of the growth potential. Taking every event in life as a learning experience to get some strength and grow with it. Feeling grateful for the opportunity and having an awareness for what I feel. Lastly, joy is is living in the now. It's being fully in the moment and be present to what is happening right now.
What I have started to do:
- I am taking the time to reconnect with myself. Replacing all of my fears with trust and learning to let go of the things that i just can’t control. And not apologizing for it. Because I’ve learned that this is taking care of me.
- I am being more intentional with my time. Waking up at 4 am every day to wake up before the rest of my house, to drink my coffee HOT, shower ALONE, workout, and do my favorite activities without any interruptions. Because I've learned that this is taking care of me.
- I am accepting help. Getting rid of my "I can do it myself" mentality. Because I've learned that this is taking care of me.
- I am listening to my intuition. Embracing every imperfection and staying authentic to who I am and who I aspire to be. Because I’ve learned that this is taking care of me.
- I am grounding myself in the present. Making mental space to find the clarity to think and feel. Because I’ve learned that this is taking care of me.
- I have discovered my interior barriers. Finding the courage to not overlook them, but dissolve them. And giving myself a hell of a lot of grace in the process. Because I've learned that this is taking care of me.
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