After long days of work, my husband bursts through that front door. And the kids run to greet him with open arms. He is the perfect picture of a happy father coming home to his children. I, in the other hand, have on sweats that are working on day two now, a messy bun, no makeup, a fussy baby tied to my hip (who refused to take a decent nap), a barking dog, a toddler yelling at me for a snack, and the tune of some Disney+ movie that we’ve seen for the second time today blaring in the background.
I quickly try to hand over the baby as I corral the animals and settle the toddler so we can have even the tiniest bit of peace and quiet...except that my husband now is leaving his stuff EVERYWHERE, getting the kids more rialed up, and everyone seems as happy as can be. Then finally my husband asks, "Are you okay?"
And when he does, I'm flooded with overwhelm. Wishing that I could even list the things that I couldn't tackle off of my list to get done around the house. I look around to see the laundry I still need to fold on the side of our bed, the ingredients on the counter of the dinner that I need to cook, the bottle waiting to feed the baby, the shower longing for me, and the book still sitting on the T.V. stand with crisp pages that I didn't get to flip. Then I realize, I am NOT okay.
I have so many feelings and thoughts coarsing through me. And finding the words to properly articulate it all is challenging. Each tumbling over the other. However, I do know that I need to get it out. To let it be free even if no one is reading this. Because I am not okay. In fact, I haven't been for a little while now. And all of the things that have occurred over the last few months has really thrown me off, now leaving me in the place I find myself now.
I've been waking up in a bad mood - not taking much to set me off. Which then paints all of my actions and emotions for the rest of the day. And taking it out on my baby that is being "too whinny", my toddler that is being "bad", and my husband that "just doesn't get it". My days, sometimes blurring into the other.
I don't know how to label it. Extreme moodiness? Overly sensitive? Hopeless pessimistic? Maybe it doesn't even need a label. But I definitely wouldn't add depression into the mix. Whatever it is, I don't know how to fix it. Or even how to prevent it. Sometimes I feel like I may just be hardwired to be this way. And I wish I wasn't.
I find myself lying to the ones around me about how I'm truly feeling. Saying no to their "Are you okay?" questions, hiding in the room or bathroom as I break out into a cry, and This is not good. How am I supposed to get help if they don't know I need it? I mean, it's one things to know that I feel this way, but it's another to understand that talking about it is necessary.
The vision of the day today didn't go nearly as planned. The unexpected happened, over and over, and over again. Somehow, I was lucky enough to not beat myself up about it throughout the day. Maybe because I was too busy. But now that my husband is home, I can feel the unaccomplished mess weighing down on me. Wondering, how do I explain this to him?
Then I mutter the words, "I am not okay" as I fumble my way to kitchen to start dinner. He then comes into the kitchen, taking the baby off of my hip. OK, that's one load literally taken off of me so that I can focus. Then my mom prepares that kids' plates as I finish up. Wow, another that that's no longer on my long list of to-dos. Later, my husband offers to watch the kids as I shower...sigh, finally some peace and quiet.
Somehow finding those four little words, did it. My husband stepped up when I didn't expect him to, helping me get past my difficult days. And the thing is, I don't know why I get so worked up in the first place. He never expected to come home to a perfectly cleaned house, he just wanted to come home to his family. Now, I'm wishing that I would focus my energy on these days into taking after my kids. Leaping to him as he comes home. Because although I'm still not perfectly okay right now, I have a pretty special husband who is always here and understands that my days don't always go okay even as a SAHM. I don't have to explain it to him. Or give him every little detain. I just need to communicate those four little words.
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