Parenting is often referred to as a job, but when I really think about it, I don't think that three letter word quite sums up what this beautiful mess parenting is. I think of it more as a relationship that takes a lot of thought, sacrifice, love, compassion, and intention. Something that I am working towards more and more every day with my children. WARNING: This is a pretty long post, so bear with me.
What Intentional Parenting is NOT About
Before I go into the how to portion of this post, let me lay out what this is all NOT about.
It is not about over-committment to endless activities with your children. Because there is a power that is held within saying no and being more intentional in how you choose to spend time as a family.
It is not about letting go of the limitation that you have for your children, such as too watching T.V., talking back, or eating sugar all day long.
It is not about trying to dedicate yourself to having a complete "yes day" in which you say yes to absolutely everything your children request. Although it could be a good experiment to kick-start the whole thing.
It is not about putting your self-care on the back burner by bringing down your own limits and expectations. Sometimes we just need to say no to be able to recharge and reset our mothering for the day, week, or even month.
How to Start Being an Intentional Parent:
Think about how you were raised. Let me start by saying no, I'm not talking about reflecting on the best, wholesome, and joyous times of your childhood. I'm talking about the day in and day out parenting that you received. Looking through the lens of your parents and asking - what lessons were taught, the kind of interactions you had, and how they shaped your decisions.
Look to a role model. Whether it be someone you've always admired as a child of someone you do now, find some parents that you admire. Obviously nobody is perfect and everyone has different looks in the aspects of their lives, but there are definitely positive bits that we can pull from everyone around us. Take advantage of it - talking to them, asking questions, and figuring out what you like that works for them.
Communicate with your partner. Remember that even if they're not there as much, parenting is a team effort through and through. And being intentional in raising your child is about setting guidelines with your partner on the same page to figure out what matters to both of you. Little tip too, men aren't always known for open and skillful communication in this area, so it may take a little dragging to get it out.
Think about the kind of character you want your children to have. This includes what you want them to be, how you want them to treat other, how you want them to act, and what decisions you want them to make. Personally, I want my children to be responsible, kind, loving, and treat EVERYONE with the same level of respect and compassion. And let me tell you, those traits aren't just going to develop over night. They have to be learned, taught, and practiced.
Establish a succeeding routine. If you've been reading this blog you know how much I love routines for both myself and family. To me, routines are so important in childhood. As your children grow and learn, having a routine set up lets them be more prepared for their days, weeks, years, and life.
Be consistent. Never compromise on what you believe to be the right and good thing for your children for what can sometimes be an easier route. When you set a standard, it's vital to stick to it.
Take time to unplug. I always like to put away all of the electronics as soon as my husband gets home. Out of courtesy for our marriage, for him, and for our little bit of time together. So why not do the same favor for my children? It's key to take time to mute the T.V., put the phone down, completely put away the iPad, and simply just exist with your children. Showing them that they are completely worthy of your undivided attention.
Spend time with your children. Trust me, I understand, lie gets damn busy. But making sure that your taking time to truly connect with your children to develop a real relationship with them is amazing. It let's them know that you're not always the authority figure, but also someone that they can admire and look up to. Taking time to enjoy them, participate in their interests, leading by example, directly teaching them, and setting standards in your presence.
Focuses of My Intentional Parenting: Yes vs. No and Teaching vs. Telling
I mean, why is "no" such an automatic response to us as parents? Maybe because children NEED limits set, but somewhere in these last three years of parenting, I've realized that all of those "nos" have become way too frequent. And I had to question myself, "Do I really need to say no so often? " Most of time I eluded it to being tired, but in reality, I was slightly put-upon, selfishly not wanting to do that thing right now, and falling into this horrible habit.
But while it is clearly important to have our children respect us and listen to us as well, I don't think that this particular process gets to the root of raising responsible humans. However, what I believe does work is taking our primary role as teaching parents to help our children learn how to be within their world to be able to set them up better for success. To help them better understand why we are asking them to do certain things and what our expectations are.
Taking something such as, "Don't touch that or you're going to get in big trouble!" into "Please don't touch because you can easily get hurt and it is my job to protect you!" Because aren't we supposed to teach our children to find the positives in life? To find the joy? To persevere through the challenges? And to say yes to their lives? Being open and setting the tone of the family so that we may all find the joy in the every day, be engaged, and be connected as a family. So that you can thrive rather than just survive.
How to Start Saying Yes Instead of No:
Pause before you say "no" by asking yourself if you really need to, if it is an important limit, and if there is really an harm in saying yes. I know how automatic saying "no" can be. After all we're the adults and they're children. But the key is to say "no" and "yes" CONSCIOUSLY over automatically. So before you respond - pause, take a breath, and think (What is my child really asking? What do they really need? What is behind this behavior? Do I really need a no to this?And is there any way to turn this into a yes?). Because pausing to take in all of the information really allows us to see them.
Be open to and grateful for the little things. Sometimes as parents I think that we can get pretty wound up in the repetitiveness that comes with parenthood. We're on this constant cycle of washing, cleaning, and cooking. But there is a sense of meaning found within those everyday moments that bring about curiosity, resilience, and courageousness. It's about being an imperfect parent that is doing their best as they look to their children with an open heart and saying "yes". Yes, you can run through the sprinklers. Yes, you can jump in that puddle. Yes, we can play dinosaurs. And yes, we can have a dance party.
Accept this season. Saying "yes" is all about acceptance and love. It' saying - yes, I have two kids three and under at home, my house is a mess, it's WAY too loud, and I love it. It's saying that this is where I am. It's saying that your child is still a child and that you love them for being a child. And in that it's allowing them to feel their emotions when they're sad, to allow them to finish learning and exploring when they have a hard time sharing a toy, it's taking a toy to the bath when they have hard time transitioning from play to bath time, and it's saying yes to all of the weird and wonderful things that the innocence and curiosity that comes with being a child.
How to Start Teaching Instead of Telling:
Identify the situations in which your children's misbehavior increases. I think the most important part of parenting is just watching our children. So that in this case, we can properly process where we see misbehavior mostly appear and begin to develop a plan for how we will respond to what our children need to know, instead of just waiting for it to appear. I'll use n example we call all relate to: The store. My toddler always wants a toy as soon as we pass down the aisle. So instead of giving in every time, I pack a toy from home in my purse and let him play with that while I finish shopping and offer him an alternative by letting him choose certain items off of my list.
Talk through the expectation that you have for you children beforehand. Once you know your children's triggers, help them better succeed bu teaching them what the plan would be if things shall occur. Keeping with the example, I tell my son: "Today we're going to the store, but we will not be going for toys. Only things we have on this list. But I will let you pick out your items as you like. But we aren't buying things we don't need. And if you cry or throw a fit, I will put back the items that you have picked. And you can play with the dinosaur in my purse as much as you would like as you sit."
Ask your children to explain back what the expectations are. Toddlers are in this weird phase of understanding, so I always like to have my son reflect what was asked after I've gotten done explaining. And if he still doesn't get it, I try to explain again.
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