An Open Letter to My Dad

Dear "Dad",

Hello, my name is Jordan. I thought that I should reintroduce myself since I am no longer the little girl you left at 14-years-old. Now I am a woman. A woman that has accomplished a lot without you. A woman who learned what a man, husband, and father was not supposed to be like. A woman who still doesn't understand how someone can just leave their kids and start a new life just a block down from us. A woman who spent a long time wondering why she was not enough to make you stay, wanted you to put her first, and give her just a little bit of your time and energy. A woman who at one point in time, would do anything to make you proud. A woman who's father was her first heartbreak. A woman that was ashamed to tell everyone that her father drank too much to pick her up even though he promised, always thought about himself before his family, and then left her to begin another life with a woman that wasn't her mom.

But as the years have passed, I have realized that being a parent isn't easy. Especially after having two of my own. No one is perfectly ready for it or has the absolute right way in doing it. It takes a lot to raise kids. And I guess that at some point, it was too much for you. There's a million things that I wish I could say, but the most important thing that I've learned is that parents always want their kids to be happy, healthy, and be better than they ever could be. So that's exactly what I'm going to do. I will make sure that my children know that I will never leave them. Because I never want them to feel the way that I did from you.

And therefore I forgive you. Because in some ways, you taught me the most important lessons when it came to parenting and even marriage. But that doesn't mean that I forgive you for your own ego, because honestly, it's hard to justify making you happy from this whole thing. I forgive you because I no longer want to hate you and carry this void I felt for years. I do not wish to have you back in my life. Nor do I regret anything. I forgive you to make my life better to be able to move on without taking you with me. Sure, I remember the few good times that we had, but mostly it's the bad times that paint a picture in my head. Now I can let those times go. I can leave them all behind. So I forgive you for the disappointment, feelings of worthlessness, tears, fights, and for never being there when I needed a father the most. And I forgive you for not being a positive male role model in my life, not reciprocating when I took the initiative to have a relationship with you, being there when my kids were born, or even being at my wedding.

I now, as a woman also want to thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to the real strength of my mother. She had not only become a single parent overnight to four teenagers at the time, but also worked full-time as a CNA, was a full-time student for nursing, and was just damn-right remarkable and caring 24/7 for her family. She was the one who showed me what it means to love someone with no boundaries and the extent that a parent is willing to go to in order for their children to feel loved and cared for. For a mom to suddenly play both roles...let's face it, she excelled! Yeah, things probably were hard for her at times too, but guess what? She didn't quit. In fact, she never even showed it to anyone - especially us. So I thank you for making her and I's relationship just SO much stronger.

And thank you for making me see exactly what I wanted in a man. And I've found him. He is everything you are not. He is a man who makes an effort to have a relationship with his kids. A man shows me and our children his love in every way. A man who stays, puts his family first, and gives us his time and energy. A man who not only makes me proud, but also who is proud of me. A man who who has ultimately redefined every definition of what it means to be a man, father, and husband in my mind.

Because of you, I am a stronger person. You leaving has made me realize that life doesn't always go as planned, but it is okay! You made me learn a lot of life lessons early on. And if I could go back in time to try to make you stay, well I wouldn't. Because my life is great now and I forgive you for all of the mistakes. After all, dads are supposed to instill stronger attributes in their daughters, and that's just what you did.

Thank you,

Your daughter.

*The picture of him is cropped for anonymity purposes. If you do not know him beforehand, I did not want to directly paint a picture of him. Along with the fact that he works in the public education system. And because for all I know he could be a different man today.*